Maybe being unlucky isn't so bad...

Last night at prayer service, Rev. Neeb talked about St. Patrick (St. Patrick's day is this coming Saturday). He talked about how St. Pat is known for using the shamrock (green leaf clover) to demonstrate the Trinity: how God is one and three at the same time.  And it occured to me that it was a good thing he wasn't a lucky guy and found a four-leaf clover...  

*sigh* I suppose that gives all of us "unlucky" people hope that God can use us in big ways too! 

Amazingly enough I am updating again.  i really don't know what to write about though.  I think that is why I never update.  Because I feel like I need to have something profound to say or some amazing revelation to write about. I'm not the best with my words though, and am not always good at getting my thoughts down on paper.  lol, you should see my journals that i used to write in;  they're like novels because I would write so much trying to get out what i wanted to say. 

This year is so different from last.  I am still really busy, but it has changed.  I don't have near as much homework and I'm not working anymore, but i seem to have a lot more to do in the way of service and have been able to keep taking piano lessons (which is nice).   It seems like I am running around more, and yet it seems more relaxed than last year.  Thank God for that.  He's really blessed me with a change of pace.  So my tip for all of those taking the American cluster (esp. Ms. Caldwell's history class):  hang in there and work hard, it will pay off, and it will be over before you know it. 

Basketball is winding down and all we have left is a tournament (which I am SO looking forward to!)  It was a fun year.  I really grew closer to a lot of the girls, and we began to have some good chemistry on the court that allowed us to execute well.  It's weird to be the oldest... I remember walking into the gym my first year and not having a clue what I was doing.

I'm in a very weird mood right now.  I feel a strange anxiety inside of me,  but I'm unsure of what to do about it.  So many thoughts have been flooding my mind and plaguing my brain.  And yet, they are those that I feel like I couldn't write down and make someone understand how I am truly feeling or what I am truly thinking.  Fr. Wayne has often referenced how one must go through dry land in order to come to a luscious place of fruitfulness and communion with God.  I feel that way very much.  But I feel that I've been walking through that desert for far too long.  I know that I have sinned in many ways.  I have hated change so much, and I know that if I had just let go in the first place and trusted God to be my source of comfort and fulfillment, that I wouldn't feel so fallen or so far gone.  I'm not saying that i haven't battled my own affections and desires,  it's just that if I had done the right thing right away, I would have bypassed a lot of pain and struggle.  And I'm slowly improving, and God has been working in me every day,  I know that.  But knowing that God gives us more than enough grace to overcome trials and temptations,  is it possible to say that even so we are more prone to our own lusts and therefore disobey God despite His gift?  And if so, how do we take advantage of the grace He has given us so that we can stop sinning?!?!?!  It's like, even though we have His Holy Spirit, we are still bound to this old man somehow.  I get so frustrated with myself, lik "dangit, I did it again!!!"  Especially when I do things that I know are wrong!  Or fudge the rules, so I can "bypass" them.  I suppose that we'll never be perfect until we are made perfect in Him when we enter his heavenly courts.  It blows my mind that He could endure pain that I am not even willing to taste, and remain faithful to someone who is so clueless about their own depravity and lack of holiness.  I continue to make up excuses for things that I do and somehow think that being a "good person" is good enough, when in truth, nothing I do is good enough.  It's only Him working in me.  I can't even worship Him or acknowledge Him as my God without His Holy Spirit.  I have to ask Him every day to worship Himself through me and glorify Himself through me, because that's all I can be -- a vessel of His light and truth.  So, in truth, it's not that God is incapable of saving us from our sins, but why would we want to continue doing something that would hurt the only person that can ever (and has ever) fully love(d) us?  For me, it's a fear of the unkown.  It's a losing of my identity; of who I am becoming who He is and wants me to be. I'm terrified of laying down my life fully because that means I don't have control over my circumstances, which i suppose is true anyway.  So many people sing about how they want to "become more like Jesus", but do they realize the cost?  Do they know the kind of pain and suffering that He endured?  Do they know it means everything?  And yet, that is where we find our greatest joy.  And when we know the truth of His freedom, of course our souls long to be more like Him -- to escape this body that dreads denial and suffering.  What frustrates me the most though, is people that love Him for the benefits.  I have been confronted so many times with the idea that faith is outside of every day life.  That I can be compatible with someone who doesn't share the same faith, because that is something that wouldn't affect our relationship.  Ahh!!!!   Being a true Christian means that your faith extends into all areas of your life.  My faith is who I am.  That goes back to losing your identity in Christ,  your identity becomes Christ.  Sure we all have distinct gifts and contributions to the Church and the world.  And of course all of us are unique,  but what makes us think that we can be a Christian without being under His name, and held responsible for guarding that name and reputation with our lives?  Or that in our every day lives, Christ's light isn't manifested in the many ways that we use our gifts and talents?  Their are certain things that we are called to abstain from and give up, so what makes us think we can have both and not damage the name of Christ?

I'm done now.  most of you will probably just skim over this, which is JUST FINE with me!!!!  I know it's ridiculously long, especially for a person who never updates.  And I dont know if you'll be able to follow my thoughts, they're kind of sporadic.  And maybe I'm way off in some of my thinking, if so feel free to inform me.  I just needed to write some of it down and get it off my chest.  I hope and pray that God's blessings have been on all of your lives!  much love,  elyse.

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39

We were talking about population tonight...

Andrea (my sister): "Well, the Chinese people are having a wife shortage!"

Dad:  "Well, that's because they kill all their baby girls!!!"

Andrea: "Do you think that's a sign of the end times?"

A slight pause

Dad: "It is for the Chinese people!"  

today in assembly we talked about the prayer of confession that we've been saying for the past few weeks.  we were discussing what the word "confession" meant.  now granted, this is a word that most of us know the meaning of ("to admit to something that we did that was wrong"... etc.)  but the pastor mentioned that it means "to call sin what God calls it".   this may be obvious to all of you, but it kind of hit me like a brick.  I confess my sins a lot (daily, at church...), but it's only some of the time that I realize what a terrible thing my sin is, and how sharply opposite it is to the person of God and His holiness.  It is not often enough that I feel the remorse that I should when i realize a sin in my life and confess it to the Lord.  I think that sometimes we tend to get the idea that if we just confess our sins, we're ok, without truly having the remorse that we should, feeling ashamed and wanting to run from those things that displease our father.   that is one of the worst punishments my parents have ever given me... being disappointed in me or hurt by something stupid that I have done.  I think everyone can relate to the shame that we feel when we see pain in the face of a father who only wants the best for us.   Let's not ignore God's ever presence in our lives and realize how important it is to Him to do things for His glory, and in righteousness.  

goodnight.